Do you ever wonder if you’ll be alone for the rest of your life?
Most single people do. In fact, some people feel it’s so difficult and hopeless, they give up completely on ever finding a partner.
There are many lonely single men and women around the world. This is a problem that spans across all ages, races, and sexual orientations.
I myself have often joked about turning into the “crazy cat lady” from The Simpsons, or seriously considered living the rest of my days as an abstinent monk.
But is it really so impossible to find a partner? Well.. it depends on what we are looking for and how determined we are to get it.
The One Thing We All Want
There is a deep, inner part of us that longs to have a partner. Someone that we can connect with, that loves us for who we are, that understands us, that wants to be with us, that we can be intimate with, and simply share life with.
It is that longing that drives us to ask out that cute guy or girl that crosses our path, to setup profiles on dating sites, to awkwardly go on first dates, to keep searching and trying to fill that empty void in our life that a partner is intended to fill.
Despite the fact that there are more people in the world than ever before, relationships and marriages fall apart faster and are much harder to form now than they used to be.
What’s Going On and What To Do About It
If you haven’t read my article “Dating and Relationships: The 4 Keys to a Lasting Relationship” yet, take a look at it now. It will help you understand the common ingredients of every happy and lasting relationship.
While it’s important to understand what helps make relationships last, it’s also important to understand what tears them apart. There are a lot of things that can destroy relationships, here is a short list of some of the possible relationship killers…
- lack of feeling loved and/or appreciated
- not spending enough quality time together
- moving too fast
- fear of commitment
- lack of physical attraction
- no or not enough sex
- lack of shared interests or things in common to build emotional connection
- the initial feelings of lust/love wore off and reality has sunk in
Relationships will usually fall apart for several reasons, which may include one or more from the list above.
What was our role? What did we do right? What did we do wrong? Could you have done things differently?
Often we are quick to cast blame on anything and everything other than ourselves. It is difficult to admit fault and acknowledge that our decisions and actions led us to where we stand now. Or at least it is if we don’t like where we’re standing.
The fact of the matter is that we all need to take a look in the mirror and take responsibility for our life. For that is the only way we will stop being at the mercy of the world and start actually living and working towards what we really want.
No matter who we are, what we’ve done, what we know, or what we want to become, there is always room for improvement and a need for change.
With that fact of life out of the way, let’s dive in deeper to explore the reasons why we are single…
The REAL Reasons Why We’re Single
Why do you think you’re single? What have you been telling yourself?
If you’ve ever been turned down or dumped, you know very well that rejection hurts, or at least it does if you care about the person that did the rejecting.
With their awful words, our pride and confidence can take a serious hit. We will generally take the rejection personally and start looking for reasons within ourselves.
We start thinking that we must not be good enough, that we’re lacking something. We start thinking that maybe we aren’t attractive enough, we don’t have enough money, or that we lack some other desirable quality.
This often causes us to avoid taking a chance like that again in the future, as we’re afraid of being rejected or hurt again.
By focusing on what we see wrong with ourselves, we become blind, unable to see the good qualities that we do have.
You’re probably like.. “Ok, hold on… even if there are good qualities about me, I’m always getting rejected or dumped.”
Alright, so let’s take a look at the real reasons things don’t work out…
We fail to communicate effectively.
Communication is one of the keys to any relationship. The reason is because without communication, you can’t build a connection emotionally. The emotional connection is what helps hold the relationship together. You can think of it like glue.
If you don’t talk and allow yourself to become vulnerable and build that emotional connection, you won’t get very far. You can learn more about that in my article, “The 36 Questions to Fall in Love“.
If this is something you struggle with, then one of the first things you should do is work on building up your self confidence and overcoming any anxiety you have. I have an article about overcoming social anxiety called “10 Powerful Ways to Lower Your Social Anxiety“. Then learn to start communicating more effectively.
We make people uncomfortable to be with us.
Think about the types of people you like spending time with. What is it about them that you like?
Chances are they are someone that you feel comfortable being around. They don’t cause you to feel really awkward or stressed out. You enjoy their company and you like being around them.
Now ask yourself why.
Here are some of possible reasons…
- You share one or more common interests.
- They treat you respectfully.
- They listen to you.
- They don’t judge you.
- They are kind to you.
- They make you feel appreciated or loved.
- They don’t intentionally hurt you.
We instinctively react and interact with the world based on how we feel. Our feelings are influenced by our beliefs and self talk, our environment, and the people who we interact with.
People are often drawn to those who make them feel good, while they will avoid those who make them feel bad, stressed, or awkward.
Think about the people you don’t enjoy being around. They make you feel uncomfortable right?
Be mindful of how you make others feel.
If you want to attract good people to you, the kind of people that will make your life better and more enjoyable, work on being someone of good character that is enjoyable to be around.
This does not mean that you must pretend to be something you’re not. It means figuring out what kind of person you want to be and trying to consistently live up to that higher standard.
We are looking for partners in the wrong places, if we are looking at all.
Where have you been looking for love? Have you been looking on dating sites? Browsing social media? Messaging people at random in hopes that something will click?
The world is more interconnected than ever, with the ability to communicate with someone on the other side of the world instantly. The Internet is great. However, it’s not the only way to meet people.
You could find your next date at the grocery store or at a restaurant. If your hobbies lead you out of the house to get supplies or to attend special events, you could meet your match there.
While it’s possible to meet someone online, and many people have, it shouldn’t be the only way you use.
We don’t meet enough people.
Of all the people we meet, only a small percentage will be attractive to and compatible with us. So it may be that of 100 people you meet, only 1 to 5 may be a good fit.
But even if they are attractive and compatible, if the timing isn’t right, you say or do the wrong thing, they aren’t attracted to you, or they’re already in a relationship, you won’t get anywhere with them.
If you want to find someone, you need to meet more people. Connect with people and don’t just look for dates.
Every person has their own circle of friends and connections. At some point, you may be introduced to someone they know who you are compatible with. It may be someone they work with, a good friend of theirs, or someone they are related to.
See every meeting as an opportunity. You will want to put forth your best self in all interactions, because you never know when you might meet someone that is right for you.
What do you do in your free time?
Do you sit at home on the couch binge watching your favorite TV shows or movies? Spend countless hours playing games?
While it’s certainly an activity that can help you relax after a long day, there are many enjoyable activities that you can do instead, that would be more helpful to you now and in the long term.
What are your hobbies? What are you most passionate about? What are you talented at? What motivates or excites you? What challenges you and makes you want to succeed?
If you struggle to think of anything, think back to your childhood for clues. What were your childhood interests? What did you want to do when you grew up? Find and explore your hobbies.
A person who is passionate, motivated, and active in one or more hobbies is more attractive and interesting than someone who just sits at home watching TV or playing games.
It gives you a spark, something that lights you up and the right person will be drawn to that about you. It will give you something to talk about, something meaningful you can do to pass the time, and will give you opportunities to connect with others who share your passions.
We give up too easily and are too easily discouraged.
Most people often take “the path of least resistance”, meaning the way that is easiest and requires the least amount of effort
They are easily intimidated and discouraged when things become difficult. Instead of trying harder or looking for another way, they give up hope.
We reason our way out of trying, we lie to ourselves, we make up excuses, and we do our best to shift the burden of responsibility to something or someone that is out of our control so that we don’t have to change or do anything. So that we don’t have to face the fact that our decisions and actions are hurting us.
When we stop the excuses and are truly honest with ourselves, and we take ownership of our decisions, then we have the power to change everything and influence the world around us. Then we have the power to effect the changes in ourselves to become who we want to be and to get what we really want.
We expect a partner to change us or we want to change them.
No matter how hard we try, we do not have the power to change someone. If a person changes, it’s because they chose to change themselves.
So many people who struggle with issues think that if they meet the right person, that person will help them to be better than they are now. While it isn’t impossible, it’s highly unlikely.
More often than not, what happens is those issues are not resolved and contribute to the destruction of the relationship. Or those issues repel the good people who we could have been with.
Don’t try to find someone who will fix your problems, and don’t try to change someone to be what you want them to be.
Simply put it doesn’t work and you’ll only get hurt trying.
We become too dependent on a partner for happiness.
If we only find happiness when we are in a relationship, we will always be unhappy.
If we are wanting to get into a relationship because we’re lonely or feeling like we just need someone to spend time with, stop right there! Those are bad reasons to be with someone.
If these are the primary reasons you get with someone, it may satisfy your needs for a time but it will fall apart and you’ll end up lonely again.
Focus on being happy without a relationship so that you can have joy and passion and something positive and good to bring into a relationship.
If you’re lonely, make friends and spend time with them. Find ways to spend your free time doing something meaningful and productive. Create, exercise, go out and live your life!
If you do that, when the right person comes along, they will be that much more attracted to you and will love you a the more.
We are searching for the wrong person.
What qualities do you want your partner to have? What personality? What values?
If you don’t know what you’re looking for, how will you ever know when you find it? Are your expectations realistic?
Are you looking in places that kind of person might be found? Are you someone they would be interested in?
What traits are the most important to you? Are you being too picky? How would they fit with your long term goals in life?
Have a clear definition of what you’re looking for, one that is reasonable, a bit flexible, and that fits best with your end goals.
Once you know what you want, you can increase the chances of meeting them by frequenting the places they spend their time.
We focus on me, me, me.
Take a moment to think of ways that others have failed to meet your emotional or physical needs.
Do you feel that people truly care about you? Many will answer no.
Everyone has their own life, problems, obligations, and cares they are dealing with. They may care about you, but they are likely unaware of the deep impact of their actions.
Now take a moment to consider the things we didn’t do for others but could have.
Perhaps you could have given a word of encouragement, made a simple call or sent a quick text to say hi. Offer some help to someone in a time of need, spend time with someone who is sick or depressed.
While simple and requiring little effort, these things have great power to make someone feel loved, appreciated, and wanted.
It has the power to help turn someone from suicide, brighten someone’s day, to give hope to someone who feels lost. It can help build friendships and relationships with people.
If you want to be loved, love others first. Don’t focus on yourself but work on ways you can help others and impact their lives. Often the universe will return to you what you give to the world.
Finding the Right Partner
There is someone out there for everyone. I’m not speaking of “the One” as that’s just a concept society has pushed and it does not reflect reality.
In reality, you may be compatible with 100,000 or more people in the world, people with whom you could potentially build a happy relationship with.
If you want to increase your chances of finding the right person, you need to get out and live life, know what you are looking for, be willing to love others and not expect anything in return, be patient, be interesting, look in the right places, and meet more people.
You don’t have to live your life alone, you just have to choose to live your life to the fullest.
Interested in learning more?
You can download a free guide by dating expert Clay Andrews, to help you through your specific situation.
Just visit his website and fill out the 2 minute questionnaire. He will give you a free ebook based on your situation.
His free guide is filled with great advice on how to attract and meet the guy or girl you want. He also has a guide on how to get your ex back.
84 total views, 2 views today
Hi! I’m Lisa Anthony, the founder and editor of Life with Asperger’s.
I was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome when I was 29.
If you need help with anything, I’m here!